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Tuesday, November 08, 2005
When I went to my doctor's appointment yesterday, I already knew I would hear that the tumor in my breast was "cancerous". I just kept the same expression on my face and said, "Oh, really"?
I don't know what he expected, but that doesn't really matter to me. You know? I have been so sad for so long, I guess that I thought that I brought this on my own self. Right now, I don't believe this one bit, "The thief cometh not, but for to "kill", "steal", and to "destroy". JESUS said, "but, I have come that you may have life, and that life more abundantly"!! That is what I believe!!
I still "hear" that voice that tries to tell me, "it's what you deserve, you've done so many wrong things in your life. You've set your path from the very beginning. Just like those that went before you, you are a 'Bad Seed'"!! Yes, that is what I hear, alot.
Then I say to that voice, "Oh no you don't, I know that JESUS died for my sins, and all I had to do was ask for forgiveness and accept HIS gift to me, that HE offered on the CROSS, and I am saved, so, ALL those sins are covered by THE BLOOD". Amen.
GOD loves me. I know that HE does. The bible tells me so. When HE sent HIS SON to the earth to die, I was on HIS mind!! I know that this condition that I am in, and I mean all of it, the diabetes, the neuropathy, the osteoporosis, the lapses in my memory, the depression, the sadness, the pain, the cancer. None of this is GOD'S will for my life!!
I have so many times of complete clarity. Then another entity imposes on my mind and it seems as if a dark cloud hovers over my head, and threatens to rain down horror on me. I give into it for a time, albeit sometimes longer than others!! That is my sin to confess.
I want to be STRONG, I want to be WONDERWOMAN!! I even go so far as to imagine the miraculous witness I'll have when GOD chooses to heal me, and I don't have to face a doctor, or an operation!! I'll just be hit by a bolt of painless lightening, and I'll start jumping up and down, praising GOD, JESUS, and the HOLY SPIRIT!!
Start touring churches and talk-shows all over the country telling every one that will listen, "Yes, GOD does still heal by devine intervention"!! I do believe this. I do know that HE does still heal. That will never change, whether I am healed by devine intervention, or I have to go through operations, chemotherapy, or whatever.
I'll never stop believing that GOD can do anything, and that HE often will!! I just claim that I am full of fault, by nature of being human. Because I AM just dust. I cry mostly for my own stupidity, my own neglect of myself, and my health. I cry for the misbegotten notion that I needed someone, other than my own personal SAVIOR, to validate my self worth, and I got let down.
I forgive him, and most of all, I forgive myself. I'll just dig in and really trust GOD to be there when I need HIM, and allow HIM to help me strengthen myself to the point that I'll be able to face whatever comes in my future, my very near future. I am telling all those that I love, "I LOVE YOU SO MUCH", in this blog, and in person.
To my friends, "thank you for being there for me, over all the years, months, weeks, days, hours". I appreciate you all. Don't ever give up on GOD! HE never gives up on you. Amen, and amen.
Pam
~~~~~~~~~~Pamela~~~~~~~~~~~
When I went to my doctor's appointment yesterday, I already knew I would hear that the tumor in my breast was "cancerous". I just kept the same expression on my face and said, "Oh, really"?
I don't know what he expected, but that doesn't really matter to me. You know? I have been so sad for so long, I guess that I thought that I brought this on my own self. Right now, I don't believe this one bit, "The thief cometh not, but for to "kill", "steal", and to "destroy". JESUS said, "but, I have come that you may have life, and that life more abundantly"!! That is what I believe!!
I still "hear" that voice that tries to tell me, "it's what you deserve, you've done so many wrong things in your life. You've set your path from the very beginning. Just like those that went before you, you are a 'Bad Seed'"!! Yes, that is what I hear, alot.
Then I say to that voice, "Oh no you don't, I know that JESUS died for my sins, and all I had to do was ask for forgiveness and accept HIS gift to me, that HE offered on the CROSS, and I am saved, so, ALL those sins are covered by THE BLOOD". Amen.
GOD loves me. I know that HE does. The bible tells me so. When HE sent HIS SON to the earth to die, I was on HIS mind!! I know that this condition that I am in, and I mean all of it, the diabetes, the neuropathy, the osteoporosis, the lapses in my memory, the depression, the sadness, the pain, the cancer. None of this is GOD'S will for my life!!
I have so many times of complete clarity. Then another entity imposes on my mind and it seems as if a dark cloud hovers over my head, and threatens to rain down horror on me. I give into it for a time, albeit sometimes longer than others!! That is my sin to confess.
I want to be STRONG, I want to be WONDERWOMAN!! I even go so far as to imagine the miraculous witness I'll have when GOD chooses to heal me, and I don't have to face a doctor, or an operation!! I'll just be hit by a bolt of painless lightening, and I'll start jumping up and down, praising GOD, JESUS, and the HOLY SPIRIT!!
Start touring churches and talk-shows all over the country telling every one that will listen, "Yes, GOD does still heal by devine intervention"!! I do believe this. I do know that HE does still heal. That will never change, whether I am healed by devine intervention, or I have to go through operations, chemotherapy, or whatever.
I'll never stop believing that GOD can do anything, and that HE often will!! I just claim that I am full of fault, by nature of being human. Because I AM just dust. I cry mostly for my own stupidity, my own neglect of myself, and my health. I cry for the misbegotten notion that I needed someone, other than my own personal SAVIOR, to validate my self worth, and I got let down.
I forgive him, and most of all, I forgive myself. I'll just dig in and really trust GOD to be there when I need HIM, and allow HIM to help me strengthen myself to the point that I'll be able to face whatever comes in my future, my very near future. I am telling all those that I love, "I LOVE YOU SO MUCH", in this blog, and in person.
To my friends, "thank you for being there for me, over all the years, months, weeks, days, hours". I appreciate you all. Don't ever give up on GOD! HE never gives up on you. Amen, and amen.
Pam
