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Tuesday, May 31, 2005
This may just be me, but the days seem to be flying by! This is the last half an hour until the new month, June, 2005. I may have said it before, but I will say it again. I never expected to live to this date!!! This month I will celebrate my 58th birthday, still I'll say, "GOD willing". 'Cause, no one of us knows what to expect tomorrow. Now do we?
You can make plans, intricate and far-reaching. You can get as many people involved in your plans as are willing to be involved, you can put down money on an idea you want to bring to pass, and you can buy materials that you plan to use in bringing that plan to fruition. Yet and still, we don't know what will happen in the next moment, let alone in the next day, or in the near future.
Still I do make plans, and I still have things that I intend to do, someday. I am aware though, that I am not in charge of these days that continue coming, nor am I assured that I will be in any of the ones to come. There are always those wanting guarentees from you. "Will you do this, will you do that"?
How can any of us know? We aren't the masters of the Universe, or even of our own destiny either, for that matter. I just can't deal sometimes. It all starts when the days grow closer and closer to my birthday. Before I turned 50 years old. I had the perverse fear of being 50!! My Mamma died before she was 51, and I was so sure that I would share the same fate.
Even though I have two sisters, and one is four years older than I am. The other is six years older than I am, I never thought that they would never make it to 52 or older. That is the way with the mind. It only involves YOU. Never others. When I wake up in the morning, I never allow myself to arise from bed without exclaiming, "Thank you GOD, for another day!!! Amen".
Don't ask me why, I'm not particularly looking forward to the day. To tell the truth, I really never was happy about anything that happened to me, for long. With the exception of the birth of my three children, and then my grandchildren. That has never changed. I was very sad however when the euphoria wore off, and I realised that my own Mamma would not be there to see them grow up.
I am a singularly affected person, meloncholic, dramatic, and forever in deep fugues, due to my never having felt at home in my own body or state of mind. I tried forever to live in fantasy worlds, of other people's making. In books, and in movies. People have called me: Strong. Insightful. Intelligent. Caring. Loveable. Inspiring. Fun. Spritual. (And) other equally absurd adjectives that I totally don't ever associate myself with.
Maybe it is because I have had the ability most of my life to sink into myself and allow other facets of my personality to come forth, and carry on with what ever situations were presented before me. All the while, the "real" ME. The real person born, Pamela Grant Goodwin back on that hot summer day in June of 1947, was cowering in a corner of her own mind, quaking with abject fear and uncertainty.
What is wrong with me? I don't really know that anything is? I've never been diagnosed with insanity, and most of us don't think we are. If we're not out baying at the moon, or doing any number of things that are officially labeled "aberrant" in polite society, we think, "well, I must be O K A Y". Maybe we all do this? Could it be that I'm not the only one? Hummmmmmmm.
I'll think to myself, "You've accepted JESUS as your personal SAVIOR, and made HIM---LORD---of your life! You do believe that you're only a visitor on this (rock-heap called) Earth, because you KNOW someday in the good ole by and by, HE'S returning to gather all HIS saints (and you), to HIMSELF--where you all will be forever together with HIM in heaven, or somewhere close by, at any given time, throughout eternity, right? So, STOP STRESSING"!!! Amen.
Yet, sometimes in the dark of the night that I'm trying to sleep in. I'll hear a deep rumbling voice inside my head that is saying. "You know that THAT expectation is awfully close to the one that some people hold about the--MOTHERSHIP--coming back to get THEM, don't you"??
I refuse to claim THAT voice as any of my own personal alter ego's voices. It is totally foreign to me. Not that I haven't heard it before, just that I don't think that any of my other personalities are that macho man-ly. YOU SEE? Some of them may be tough, and clever, and even able to be manipulative, and crafty. But not one is overtly MALE. I enjoy being a girl.
Ahhhhhhh. That seemed nice and cathartic, I need to do this more often. I can take a deep breath now. I may not have cleaned ALL of the skeletons out of the closet. Or even wiped away any of the cob-webs out of the attic of my brain, but I feel lighter, more limber. Now, let me see how I do getting up from in front of this computer, and actually walking to the rest-room!! Weeble on parade!! Smooches. Pam
~~~~~~~~~~Pamela~~~~~~~~~~~
This may just be me, but the days seem to be flying by! This is the last half an hour until the new month, June, 2005. I may have said it before, but I will say it again. I never expected to live to this date!!! This month I will celebrate my 58th birthday, still I'll say, "GOD willing". 'Cause, no one of us knows what to expect tomorrow. Now do we?
You can make plans, intricate and far-reaching. You can get as many people involved in your plans as are willing to be involved, you can put down money on an idea you want to bring to pass, and you can buy materials that you plan to use in bringing that plan to fruition. Yet and still, we don't know what will happen in the next moment, let alone in the next day, or in the near future.
Still I do make plans, and I still have things that I intend to do, someday. I am aware though, that I am not in charge of these days that continue coming, nor am I assured that I will be in any of the ones to come. There are always those wanting guarentees from you. "Will you do this, will you do that"?
How can any of us know? We aren't the masters of the Universe, or even of our own destiny either, for that matter. I just can't deal sometimes. It all starts when the days grow closer and closer to my birthday. Before I turned 50 years old. I had the perverse fear of being 50!! My Mamma died before she was 51, and I was so sure that I would share the same fate.
Even though I have two sisters, and one is four years older than I am. The other is six years older than I am, I never thought that they would never make it to 52 or older. That is the way with the mind. It only involves YOU. Never others. When I wake up in the morning, I never allow myself to arise from bed without exclaiming, "Thank you GOD, for another day!!! Amen".
Don't ask me why, I'm not particularly looking forward to the day. To tell the truth, I really never was happy about anything that happened to me, for long. With the exception of the birth of my three children, and then my grandchildren. That has never changed. I was very sad however when the euphoria wore off, and I realised that my own Mamma would not be there to see them grow up.
I am a singularly affected person, meloncholic, dramatic, and forever in deep fugues, due to my never having felt at home in my own body or state of mind. I tried forever to live in fantasy worlds, of other people's making. In books, and in movies. People have called me: Strong. Insightful. Intelligent. Caring. Loveable. Inspiring. Fun. Spritual. (And) other equally absurd adjectives that I totally don't ever associate myself with.
Maybe it is because I have had the ability most of my life to sink into myself and allow other facets of my personality to come forth, and carry on with what ever situations were presented before me. All the while, the "real" ME. The real person born, Pamela Grant Goodwin back on that hot summer day in June of 1947, was cowering in a corner of her own mind, quaking with abject fear and uncertainty.
What is wrong with me? I don't really know that anything is? I've never been diagnosed with insanity, and most of us don't think we are. If we're not out baying at the moon, or doing any number of things that are officially labeled "aberrant" in polite society, we think, "well, I must be O K A Y". Maybe we all do this? Could it be that I'm not the only one? Hummmmmmmm.
I'll think to myself, "You've accepted JESUS as your personal SAVIOR, and made HIM---LORD---of your life! You do believe that you're only a visitor on this (rock-heap called) Earth, because you KNOW someday in the good ole by and by, HE'S returning to gather all HIS saints (and you), to HIMSELF--where you all will be forever together with HIM in heaven, or somewhere close by, at any given time, throughout eternity, right? So, STOP STRESSING"!!! Amen.
Yet, sometimes in the dark of the night that I'm trying to sleep in. I'll hear a deep rumbling voice inside my head that is saying. "You know that THAT expectation is awfully close to the one that some people hold about the--MOTHERSHIP--coming back to get THEM, don't you"??
I refuse to claim THAT voice as any of my own personal alter ego's voices. It is totally foreign to me. Not that I haven't heard it before, just that I don't think that any of my other personalities are that macho man-ly. YOU SEE? Some of them may be tough, and clever, and even able to be manipulative, and crafty. But not one is overtly MALE. I enjoy being a girl.
Ahhhhhhh. That seemed nice and cathartic, I need to do this more often. I can take a deep breath now. I may not have cleaned ALL of the skeletons out of the closet. Or even wiped away any of the cob-webs out of the attic of my brain, but I feel lighter, more limber. Now, let me see how I do getting up from in front of this computer, and actually walking to the rest-room!! Weeble on parade!! Smooches. Pam
1 Comments:
Pam, thank you so much for visiting my blog and making those sweet comments about my baby. I just turned 52 and don't have any grandbabies yet but hope I get to enjoy them someday.
God has wonderful plans for us formed long ago before we were in our mother's womb. And although our bodies sometimes give out God uses our minds and I think our words to others; in person, on the phone or writing on the computer to touch the lives of countless unknown people.
You reached out to me and I'm reaching back to you. I'll be praying for an awesome month and that you are truly blessed on your birthday.
From one beautiful, older woman to another - God Bless, Kitty
