<
Thursday, February 24, 2005
I am maturing, and I didn't even notice for days! On February 22nd (1970), I met Richard, and we married the next year. This year is our 35th wedding anniversary, and I didn't even get nostalgic, about us being separated, on the 22nd, like I usually had been doing every year,(since I left, in 2002).!! Our actual wedding anniversary is May 9th, and now that I thought about it, I might remember it, and get melancholy again. (Just because of not being aware of it this month)! Makes perfect sense to me! Did I hear from my estranged husband? No, but then, Cherokee and I, did have our telephone service turned off. Why? Well, we were getting alot of crank calls, and there were multi-level marketers calling all times of the day and night, which both my daughter Cherokee, and I hate. That not withstanding, relationships are so strange. You can live with someone everyday for over 30 years, (well almost everyday, I was forgetting the days and nights that Richard was probably with his other girl-friends, and even his other family, (a girlfriend and two daughters), or even just out gambling)! and still not know them. I truly didn't know what to expect out of him at all, day to day. So, I just overlooked it, and kept quiet.
Now, just writing it down makes me feel sick to my stomach! Even though the daughters he fathered by this other woman, (Shirley), are both adults now!! It still sickens me, because of my own apathy, and fear of change. What would my life have been like if I hadn't, 1. Forgiven him,(both times he impregnated her), and 2. Stayed married to him? I think that this forgiving, (or really apathetic), lifestyle, had a lot to do with my bad health later on, and how negatively I always had pictured myself, as a woman, as a mother and person, in general. I felt I was getting what I deserved, Karma. My daughter, Cherokee and my niece, Michelle, think that all us brother and sisters, (because of our Goodwin side), have these personality, and health problems, stemming from when our Daddy passed away, way back in 1959. We were all so young then, and it was a scary thing for us to lose our father, and wonder what would happen to all of us in the ensuing years. When we never got any therapy, or help, we didn't deal with out feelings at all. It was as if it didn't impact us kids at all, people only helped my mother, or only seemed concerned with her, and we were just supposed to "Handle it". We had no trust in our Mother's ability to take care of us, as the bread winner!
Especially when you had never seen your mother do any kind of "out of the house" employment!! (but), She did take good care of her children domestically. Still, she just had so many kids, where would she get money?! I know I sure didn't think she would be able to financially take care of all nine of us. At that time, I didn't know anything about, "Social Security", or "personal life insurance policies". Which, thank GOD, my daddy had both. The man worked two jobs, all of our lives, at J C Penney's, in the stock-room, and at the Loring Building in downtown Riverside, as an elevator operator.!! That's probably why he got pneumonia in the first place, and died. Working to take care of all of us. (but), I was only 11, well nearly 12 years old then. Thinking about not having money enough, kept me awake at nights, for a long time, after that. It damaged me, mentally, physically, (I gained alot of weight after my daddy died), and in ways that I don't even know, or understand, to this day. Yet, one thing I do know, it skewered the way I looked at all marriage! I thought that it meant that, IF I married, I had to stay married to "whomever", I did marry, for as long as the person I married, wanted to stay married to me! To be safe, and secure, I had to marry a healthy man, who had a JOB. Still for many years, I totally was against getting married at all. I was adamant. I saw too many bad marriages, and my mother never re-married, she had boyfriends, only two, at that, but didn't marry again. Now, by seventeen, I wanted a child, but not the husband, or the married life. I was tired of school too, so I got pregnant, and I quit school. (I went and got my GED though, while he was still a baby, so I could work). So, I had my beautiful baby, by a man 12 years older than me, and one that I thought was intelligent, and handsome, but he didn't love me, and I didn't love him!! I was so happy, (my mother was disappointed and thought I was too young to have made that choice), but she loved my little boy so much!! She let the subject drop, about who was his father. Then later, she was too sick to comment, when I became pregnant the second time, with Richard as the father, he had a job, he liked my son, and he stayed around, alot. When my little boy and I moved in with him, he started bugging me, over and over to marry him, and he was working on me all the time, he even asked his "preacher father", to talk to me, to get me to marry him. His father had grown up with my parents in the same town! They started talking about me and Richard getting married, "it was the right thing to do", they both said. Then my mother died. She died before my second child was even born, and only then, did I even contemplate marriage to him. That old fear rose up again, even though I was working, and had my own income!!! She died in January, 1971. I had our baby in March of 1971. I married Richard that May. I was never happy after that, 'cause he acted like he "owned" me then. Yet, I married a man that I never really knew, and one that lied constantly. One that rarely stayed home, went out with his male cousins, whenever they came by, and who did whatever he wanted to do, regardless of how it effected me, my son, or the two daughters we eventually had together. I just didn't think about it anymore, I did it to myself, didn't I?
I was in thrall to him, and my family and friends didn't understand how I could live the way that we did. I didn't do anything that I thought he might disapprove of. I waited for him to come home, and wouldn't go anywhere, unless my baby was out of milk, or diapers, and I needed them. He was the absentee parent, when he came home, the kids acted like Santa Claus had come in, and I did everything else, I raised the kids and did all the work in the apartment. Except he did like to go to the kid's school functions. I don't know why? Parent/Teacher conferences? He was there. Open House night at school, he was there. Programs? He was there. Awards shows? He was there. That was odd, even to me, but I never questioned it at all. He probably did the same for his other two daughters also, I never asked. We had a few times all together, that were great, and we even had lots of fun, sometimes. I used to just concentrate on those occasions, and forget the bad,(and the lonely) times. Right now, my mind is in such confusion, I don't know if I am happy, to be away from Rich, or if I really feel badly, as if he has died and I am in mourning. I really don't know how to feel.
We also lost so many memories and so many personal items, because of his mismanagement of his funds! The fact that he didn't even bother to tell any of us that he had lost the ability to pay for the storage units that our things were stored in. Due to various moves we made over the years. He would never give us the information we needed to get into the storages, and get our belongings, nor did he give us the opportunity to help him pay for the storages, when he could no longer pay for them. He just didn't mention that fact to any of us at all. (Until after all the photos, furniture, our children's childhood momentos, et'c, was lost). By this time, I just chalked it up to more proof that Rich was himself, mentally disturbed, and apathetic, towards us, and our wants and needs. Rich had been down here in Riverside many times, over the seven years we worked at those group homes, and lived up North, (with me making the plans , when we came down to visited the family). yet, only once after I left him!!! (and Cherokee and I moved back here). He always had too much other stuff to do, places to be, and he wouldn't get, or let anyone else get, their posessions out of the storage units! It was strange, and LaShane, (our oldest daughter) was thinking once, that he may have sold the contents already, and that this was why he wouldn't let us go to the storage, or get anything out of them.
Oh well, I feel abit better, even if no one reads this post, it is so good to write this stuff down and re-read it. I know that I did everything I could, and was capable of, to give my children a somewhat, "normal" up bringing. Also, that I tried with all my heart to give my husband what he seemed to need, in order to be the type of man it seemed like he wanted to be. What that was, as I look back on it, though, is still a mystery to me.
~~~~~~~~~~Pamela~~~~~~~~~~~
I am maturing, and I didn't even notice for days! On February 22nd (1970), I met Richard, and we married the next year. This year is our 35th wedding anniversary, and I didn't even get nostalgic, about us being separated, on the 22nd, like I usually had been doing every year,(since I left, in 2002).!! Our actual wedding anniversary is May 9th, and now that I thought about it, I might remember it, and get melancholy again. (Just because of not being aware of it this month)! Makes perfect sense to me! Did I hear from my estranged husband? No, but then, Cherokee and I, did have our telephone service turned off. Why? Well, we were getting alot of crank calls, and there were multi-level marketers calling all times of the day and night, which both my daughter Cherokee, and I hate. That not withstanding, relationships are so strange. You can live with someone everyday for over 30 years, (well almost everyday, I was forgetting the days and nights that Richard was probably with his other girl-friends, and even his other family, (a girlfriend and two daughters), or even just out gambling)! and still not know them. I truly didn't know what to expect out of him at all, day to day. So, I just overlooked it, and kept quiet.
Now, just writing it down makes me feel sick to my stomach! Even though the daughters he fathered by this other woman, (Shirley), are both adults now!! It still sickens me, because of my own apathy, and fear of change. What would my life have been like if I hadn't, 1. Forgiven him,(both times he impregnated her), and 2. Stayed married to him? I think that this forgiving, (or really apathetic), lifestyle, had a lot to do with my bad health later on, and how negatively I always had pictured myself, as a woman, as a mother and person, in general. I felt I was getting what I deserved, Karma. My daughter, Cherokee and my niece, Michelle, think that all us brother and sisters, (because of our Goodwin side), have these personality, and health problems, stemming from when our Daddy passed away, way back in 1959. We were all so young then, and it was a scary thing for us to lose our father, and wonder what would happen to all of us in the ensuing years. When we never got any therapy, or help, we didn't deal with out feelings at all. It was as if it didn't impact us kids at all, people only helped my mother, or only seemed concerned with her, and we were just supposed to "Handle it". We had no trust in our Mother's ability to take care of us, as the bread winner!
Especially when you had never seen your mother do any kind of "out of the house" employment!! (but), She did take good care of her children domestically. Still, she just had so many kids, where would she get money?! I know I sure didn't think she would be able to financially take care of all nine of us. At that time, I didn't know anything about, "Social Security", or "personal life insurance policies". Which, thank GOD, my daddy had both. The man worked two jobs, all of our lives, at J C Penney's, in the stock-room, and at the Loring Building in downtown Riverside, as an elevator operator.!! That's probably why he got pneumonia in the first place, and died. Working to take care of all of us. (but), I was only 11, well nearly 12 years old then. Thinking about not having money enough, kept me awake at nights, for a long time, after that. It damaged me, mentally, physically, (I gained alot of weight after my daddy died), and in ways that I don't even know, or understand, to this day. Yet, one thing I do know, it skewered the way I looked at all marriage! I thought that it meant that, IF I married, I had to stay married to "whomever", I did marry, for as long as the person I married, wanted to stay married to me! To be safe, and secure, I had to marry a healthy man, who had a JOB. Still for many years, I totally was against getting married at all. I was adamant. I saw too many bad marriages, and my mother never re-married, she had boyfriends, only two, at that, but didn't marry again. Now, by seventeen, I wanted a child, but not the husband, or the married life. I was tired of school too, so I got pregnant, and I quit school. (I went and got my GED though, while he was still a baby, so I could work). So, I had my beautiful baby, by a man 12 years older than me, and one that I thought was intelligent, and handsome, but he didn't love me, and I didn't love him!! I was so happy, (my mother was disappointed and thought I was too young to have made that choice), but she loved my little boy so much!! She let the subject drop, about who was his father. Then later, she was too sick to comment, when I became pregnant the second time, with Richard as the father, he had a job, he liked my son, and he stayed around, alot. When my little boy and I moved in with him, he started bugging me, over and over to marry him, and he was working on me all the time, he even asked his "preacher father", to talk to me, to get me to marry him. His father had grown up with my parents in the same town! They started talking about me and Richard getting married, "it was the right thing to do", they both said. Then my mother died. She died before my second child was even born, and only then, did I even contemplate marriage to him. That old fear rose up again, even though I was working, and had my own income!!! She died in January, 1971. I had our baby in March of 1971. I married Richard that May. I was never happy after that, 'cause he acted like he "owned" me then. Yet, I married a man that I never really knew, and one that lied constantly. One that rarely stayed home, went out with his male cousins, whenever they came by, and who did whatever he wanted to do, regardless of how it effected me, my son, or the two daughters we eventually had together. I just didn't think about it anymore, I did it to myself, didn't I?
I was in thrall to him, and my family and friends didn't understand how I could live the way that we did. I didn't do anything that I thought he might disapprove of. I waited for him to come home, and wouldn't go anywhere, unless my baby was out of milk, or diapers, and I needed them. He was the absentee parent, when he came home, the kids acted like Santa Claus had come in, and I did everything else, I raised the kids and did all the work in the apartment. Except he did like to go to the kid's school functions. I don't know why? Parent/Teacher conferences? He was there. Open House night at school, he was there. Programs? He was there. Awards shows? He was there. That was odd, even to me, but I never questioned it at all. He probably did the same for his other two daughters also, I never asked. We had a few times all together, that were great, and we even had lots of fun, sometimes. I used to just concentrate on those occasions, and forget the bad,(and the lonely) times. Right now, my mind is in such confusion, I don't know if I am happy, to be away from Rich, or if I really feel badly, as if he has died and I am in mourning. I really don't know how to feel.
We also lost so many memories and so many personal items, because of his mismanagement of his funds! The fact that he didn't even bother to tell any of us that he had lost the ability to pay for the storage units that our things were stored in. Due to various moves we made over the years. He would never give us the information we needed to get into the storages, and get our belongings, nor did he give us the opportunity to help him pay for the storages, when he could no longer pay for them. He just didn't mention that fact to any of us at all. (Until after all the photos, furniture, our children's childhood momentos, et'c, was lost). By this time, I just chalked it up to more proof that Rich was himself, mentally disturbed, and apathetic, towards us, and our wants and needs. Rich had been down here in Riverside many times, over the seven years we worked at those group homes, and lived up North, (with me making the plans , when we came down to visited the family). yet, only once after I left him!!! (and Cherokee and I moved back here). He always had too much other stuff to do, places to be, and he wouldn't get, or let anyone else get, their posessions out of the storage units! It was strange, and LaShane, (our oldest daughter) was thinking once, that he may have sold the contents already, and that this was why he wouldn't let us go to the storage, or get anything out of them.
Oh well, I feel abit better, even if no one reads this post, it is so good to write this stuff down and re-read it. I know that I did everything I could, and was capable of, to give my children a somewhat, "normal" up bringing. Also, that I tried with all my heart to give my husband what he seemed to need, in order to be the type of man it seemed like he wanted to be. What that was, as I look back on it, though, is still a mystery to me.
